Perfectionism

As I sit here and face my brand new, shiny, and very empty blog, I am forced to confront my perfectionism.  I can attribute this feeling of "what in the world do I put out there?" to blogblock, which is more than just writer's block, since it involves choices of font, color, and format, but in all honesty, blogblock is only a small component of my fear.

Sitting here, I am forced to confront my perfectionism. Perfectionism is such a double-edge sword.  On the one hand, I tend to do things well, I expect myself to do things well, and I am not satisfied until I have achieved or surpassed my expectations.  I prefer to accept this rather than a half-hearted attempt.

On the other hand, perfectionism blocks me from attempting or sharing my atempts with others because I just might not be good enough.  I have let opportunities, job possibilites, and carefully bypassed other exciting options because I am painfully aware of my lack of perfection.  Although I am optimistic by nature, I am forced to realize that I only see the percent I have missed - I may be 95% ready, acceptable, but I only see the missing 5%. 

It is wearisome carrying the burden of your own and others' standards, especially since you don't know what others are expecting of you.  What will others think?  How much will I imagine what others are thinking?  If we are honest, most of the time everyone is too busy with his own life to worry extensively about ours.  In those perfectionist moments, I still feel those imaginary eyes scrutinizing, criticizing, expecting...

Recently I was trying something new in public (one of the worse of all possible scenarios for a perfectionist!) and a friend told me I needed to allow myself to start out badly so I could grow better.  It shocked me - allow myself to do something badly? Fail? - and in public?   "Try" is such a non-perfectionist word - "do it right!"  is more the way I tend to think. (As Yoda says, "there is no try"). No, that's not quite accurate - trying is acceptable in private where noone can see!

Yet, I wonder how many things I have missed because I might not be good enough to succeed or be the very best right from the beginning. 

So, I have decided to try.  I know I will backslide extensively.  But -I would prefer to not pass up opportunities.  I want to give myself the grace to grow, to make mistakes, to start over. Perfectionism can be like a packet of seeds held on the shelf, not planted, waiting for just the right weather, soil conditions, & time - until the possibility implict in the seed withers and becomes a "might have been."